i tried to change 

i saw myself in a reflection and didn’t realize it was me couldn’t interpret both physical and mental language breathed and felt the cold air wash over 

i opened both my eyes and thought i was the devil

 

i tried to understand 

closed the side of me that just felt 

numbed the pain of feeling lost 

i threw my back onto a table and tried to perform surgery ripped the heart out of my chest and painted it black i tried to change so much of me that was permanent 

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i slept on the floor 

brushed my teeth and tried to coax the pity out of my mouth starved myself until the days end 

i repented my sins 

bruised my skin 

and let the blood leak out onto the holy pages 

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i study the bible and configured so much to be wrong i stood over a volcano and drank fire in replace of water i inhaled ash and exhaled oxygen 

i stood up on both of my feet and felt shorter 

i only bathed in holy water in hopes that i wouldn’t burn

 

i rubbed salt into my open wounds and yelled for dominion i tried to hush my cries with an hymn 

crawled and begged for his savior 

hoped he would whip the demon out of me 

i prayed for baptism 

 

i layed in the tub 

coughed and felt the salt brush up against my wounds i cut open into my abdomen with a crucifix 

fished out my own entrails and strangled myself black and blue or until I found the purest color 

but deep down entwined into my own bad was the need to know am i still worthy enough?